Strangers Have The Best Candy.

Hola!

I just read an upsetting, similarly titled article by some ‘dating coach’ in the US, and it prompted me to write a response.

His advice for avoiding door hassles was to basically bribe the doorman. That’s it.

Apparently you shake the bouncer’s hand with a few neatly folded bills in the palm of your hand and whisper into his ear the number of guys in your group. The bigger the group the bigger the fine.

That should supposedly make him walk you in, past the long line of other punters and past the hassles of “Am I wearing the right shoes?”.

Before I show you how to REALLY get into a club (every time, and without paying a dime), I want to thank this ‘dating coach’ for illustrating to the world the glaring problem with modern-day seduction community:

THE PROBLEM OF “FAKING IT”.

If you’re bribing the doorman to get into a club, the undercurrent of your actions pretty much says-

“Hey, I’m not cool enough to get in here, I own the fact that I’m not cool, and my not coolness has a dollar value on it .. I’m now going to use some tricks to get into this club … ”

(And, by the way, continue using tricks once I’m inside by running ‘game’ to mask the fact that I’m not cool .. but that’s a whole new blog post in itself).

So, essentially, you’re pretending that you’re the kind of guy who would get in to a decent club. My question is - why not make an effort to JUST BECOME the kind of guy who would get in there!?

The kind of guy who walks to the front of the queue, shakes hands with the bouncers like they’re old friends, and gets rushed to the bar for a round of shots on the house?

It’s kinda like paying a hooker for sex. Rather than spending a fortune on a lifetime of pseudo-luvin by the minute, why not invest some time and ca$h into yourself so you can get some real hanky-panky from a sexy wifer who might stick around for breakfast?

I can’t tell you which path to take. Ultimately, it’s your choice. But if you want to coast along the latter path of BEING, rather than living a life of PRETENDING by using tricks and games, I urge you to read on.

So, first things first. Why would you listen to anything I have to say about getting into bars and clubs, anyway?

Good question. I’m going to say this without ego - merely to illustrate that I know what I’m talking about -

I’ve worked in just about every single one of Sydney’s A-list bars and nightclubs over the past 5 years… Hugos, Loft, Cargo (well, Cargo is only A-list if you’re crossing a bridge and/or tunnel to get there my bad), Home, MIddle Bar…

Then I migrated to the Kings Cross, doing Ladylux, Dragonfly, and my current weekend gig, the Piano Bar.

The joke goes, if you’ve been rejected from a club, I’ve probably been fired from there.

Yes, I don’t hold my bar jobs town for too long, as I tend to indulge myself and my friends who come in to copious amounts of free alcoholic beverages, taking extra long breaks to do “field research” for AI, and generally treating the whole thing as my own party rather than a real job.

Come to think of it, most of my early progress in the ‘game’ was very much helped by working behind the bar.

Some of those ‘Gurus’ tell tall stories of how they got good with women by going out to ’sarge’ 3-4 nights a week. Which is great, as a super-zealous ‘PUA’ might approach 10 or so girls in a night.

In contrast, at Hugo’s a bartender serves 200+ people per shift. More than 60% of them women. All of them stupidly, droolingly, autism-inducingly hot.

Multiply that by 3-4 shifts per week, multiply that by a year and a half ..

That’s a lot of opportunity to flirt your ass off, while sharpening situational humour, practicing teasing, banter, and doing more “Naughty” stuff like fucking her with your eyes whilst exchanging the most ordinary “What would you like to drink?” with her on the verbal level. Or getting phone numbers in less than 30 seconds while you tell the manager you’re going step out “to the bathroom”.

So yes, if you want to get a lot of practice at talking to women - and get paid for it - get a bar job!

But I’m getting off track here.

The main point I wanted to make is - I know how this alcohol-fueled industry works. I’ve been around this block a few times. So let me give you some brutally honest truths about why men get rejected at the door…

(if you don’t want a reality check that you may not like, do not continue reading).

Truth #1: Your Shoes Are Never Wrong.

Your shoes (or lack of a collared shirt) are an excuse doormen/doorbitches/bouncers will use when they don’t want you there. Usually, because you don’t live up to some kind of arbitrary measure of ‘coolness’, ’stylishness’ or good ol’ good looks.

DO NOT get into a logical argument with them about the quality of your shoes!

I’ve once seen a ‘fullee seek’ macho type try to convince the bouncer that his shoes were good enough because they cost $200 from Foot Locker.

Shoes are not the problem! They’re just a convenient excuse to get rid of you without being fragrantly rude to you.

How can you solve that problem? Well, here’s the deal - your physical looks do play a role, but only so much. Your vibe and your style are much more important.

And your vibe is more important than your style.

And when I say ‘vibe’ I mean coming across as a cool, laid back dude who is there to bring something to the table.

And here’s the kicker - it’s pretty hard to fake it! People who work on nightclub doors are extremely socially savvy and they will pick up on the smallest bit of bullshit from you.

HINT: (*cough* work on your inner game *cough*)

One note about style and the clothes you wear. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that a pair of those $70 ‘dress’ shoes from Zu and a $80 shirt from yd make you ’stylish’.

(Unless you have a body like LoGun’s, in which case you can wear your mum’s clothes and still look OK - but even he looks better in my shirts

For your information, this is a recent photo of LoGun:

For the rest of us (I’m tall, skinny and now 10 kilos too fat - all at the same time) .. remember this:

With clothes, you get what you pay for. And a club doorman knows instantly whether you’re wearing an abovementioned number from yd or a $200 shirt from Calibre.

They may both be collared shirts, but the way they are cut, the way they sit on you, and the way the fabric moves on you couldn’t be more different.

Do yourself a favour, get yourself a couple of nicely-cut shirts from somewhere like Calibre (my personal fave at the moment) or Morrissey. But don’t automatically presume that just because it’s expensive/designer, it will be good. Even those brands make some crap.

Make sure it works for you, and be prepared to make mistakes.

Chances are, you will sooner make a mistake -you will buy a super-expensive item of clothing, bring it home, and find it unwearable. Same as with screwing it up around women, they are mistakes you need to make - as long as you learn from them.

If you want to get a one-day crash course in style, visit Courtney Jones, she is a good friend who works as a wardrobe consultant, and she is responsible for making many AI members and past students look like James Bonds.

(Mention that you’re from AI and she’ll give you a good deal). Plus she is cute, and that’s always a bonus. Just don’t ask her about Pantene.

As for shoes - forget those clunky, laquered-shine-look ‘dress’ shoes from Zu or Myer or whatever what make you look like you have platypus feet.

Go to Oxford St and find a pair of leather black lace-ups or slip-ons (like the ones in the photo are a good option). A good pair will set you back $200-300.

But as I’ve said, fashion will not save you if you’re giving off a bad vibe. The one, single OVERARCHING factor that matters the most is vibe. And for that, inner game is the best, and arguably, the only investment you can make.

Truth #2: You Don’t Care About The List.

If you get asked, ‘are you on the list?’, it is most likely that, upon initial visual inspection, the doorman suspects you’re not measuring up to get in.

It is a TRICK QUESTION.

Do not answer with a YES or NO.

(unless of course you’re actually ON the damn list).

If you say NO, you’ll most likely be sent back down the stairs after being told that there’s a ‘private function’ inside. Just like with the shoes, that was a trick question designed to paint you into a corner.

If you say YES, but are found not to be, you’ll get sent back down the stairs, holding a cup with your teeth in it, and with a ‘you disgust me’ glare from the doorman aimed at the back of your departing head.

It’s a lose-lose situation.

The only way out of that situation is to show in your answer that the doorman’s initial suspicions were wrong and that you’re, in fact, cool enough to get in there.

And, just as with flirting with women, you can’t logically convince the doorguy/gurl that you’re ‘cool’. You have to demonstrate it.

And, again - it’s pretty damn hard to fake it! I mean, you could run some stupid game on the guy/girl, ask him/her for an opinion, then disqualify him/her and tell him/her that his/her boyfriend is not spanking him/her hard enough..

(*cough* or you could just get your inner game sorted and become the cool dude they want to let in *cough*)

And whilst you’re working on it, I’ll give you some responses you can use for now to maximise your chances of getting in.

First, and the most important thing is to totally disregard the question. Cut through it with a smile, as if “the list” doesn’t apply to you. And then BE REAL with the dude/dudee, for example -

“Hey man/Miss, we just came from Cargo and it’s pretty tragic down there. Just after a drink here with my friends..”

If it’s a doorgirl, and you’re with a bunch of guys, (which means you’ll probably be frowned upon) you can try a bit of a ballsy flirting with her.

Something like -

“Look, I realise we could use more girls in the group, and normally we do, but the ladies just couldn’t keep up. I have a solution - you should join us after you finish work to restore the balance … [look her up and down critically] - let’s see what we have here .. your shoes are OK, I suppose…

…And no collared shirt either - [exhale dramatically] jeez, the crowd these days. Ok, you have SOME potential [whisper into her ear] … I’ll get you in - but it will cost you - you can buy us a round with your staff discount to make it up to me.”

Something like that. You get the point. Classic teasing, frame stealing, cocky funny stuff. If you make her laugh you’ll probably get in.

The difference between having to learn all that stuff, and just blurting it out whilst keeping it cool, (sorry for sounding like a broken record, but it really is the key which makes it all happen in the moment, without having to think about it) is inner game.

And keep in mind that the ‘line’ I wrote above can be said by two different people and have veeeeery different effect. So, don’t treat what I just wrote as some kind of ‘magic doorgirl takedown flirting routine’.

If you’re tempted to do it, you’re missing the point.

(*cough* work on your inner game *cough*)

Truth #3: You Can Skip The Line.

How can you skip the 20-meter-looooong line or people trying to get in?

This is a tricky one, as it’s a very situational thing and depends on many factors taken into account.

I’m going to give you a short-term solution and a long-term solution.

Short - term: walk past all the people lining up (usually clubs have an alternative entry for VIPs - march in there as boldly as allowed by the current measurements of your testicles and/or number of teeth you are prepared to gamble with) and do what I just described above in the previous section.

Long-term: you need to know someone (or everyone) who works the door. If you’re a regular at a club, make an effort to get the know the doorstaff.

Those days of doorstaff being macho tools with too much space between their ears and a vocabulary of 10 words, not excluding ‘Missus’ and ‘Mongrel’ are well and truly over.

So, don’t treat them like tools for starters, because they are most probably not.

Most of the people who work on club doors are really laid-back dudes/girls who have normal (and yet usually pretty interesting) lives Monday-Friday, and work doors for extra cash on weekends.

One guy I know is a director of an IT firm with two kids and a wife. He doesn’t wear his wedding ring when he works because it costs too much to fix every time he punches someone.

Another guy is a marketer and an avid football nut who spends all night checking the scores.

Then there’s a guy who owns the entire security firm, drives a Ferrari and doesn’t need to work another day in his life - but he is there every weekend, rain, hair or shine - because he loves it.

Then there’s a girl who runs her own fashion design company and loves choc chip cookies from Subway. And another girl who is a musician and TV presenter.

The point I’m making - these people are all extremely human (as stupid as that sounds) and all have real stories to share - and the ‘tough guy’/'doorbitch’ personas they put on as part of their role on the door are just a thinly veiled act.

And the only way through that act is by connecting with what’s underneath.

Starting to see these people as other humans just like you, rather than clipboard-wielding monsters of doom is step one. You will not relate to anyone as long as you see him/her as a function, rather than a soul.

Step two? Empathy. As you’re standing there, in front of the rope, waiting to be let in, meet this person where they’re at -

“Hey dude/dudette, you look like you’ve had it. Tough crowd tonight?”

And you probably realise this, but I’ll say it anyway - that can be said from a place of ‘please like me’ or a place of empathy. Same words, different results.

In the end, the words matter very little.

One last thing..

You may be disappointed that I haven’t given you any ‘magic lines’ to tell doorstaff - and make them magically open doors for you.

(And, in fact, such lines DO exist. In fact there’s just one, which will open EVERY door, in EVERY club, EVERY time).

But look at it this way - if I did give it to you, I’d be cheating you of your success.

By giving you a magic bullet and a seeming shortcut, I’d be making your journey to becoming a totally cool dude soooo much longer.

And besides, if you’re still insisting on being in the mindset of ‘which line can I learn to get this’ you’re probably not in the right place, anyway.

Remember playing a video game, and then getting a cheat for it?

At first, it’s super-exciting, because you have all these magic powers. But then, moments later, the game sucks because it became boring.

You never really mastered it, and now you will not feel that “FUCK YEA!” feeling that only comes with becoming better at something. So, it’s would be cruel for me to give you tips on how to cheat through the game of life.

Work on yourself, and when you ARE that cool dude that effortlessly sails into any club and doesn’t need ‘cheats’, come ask me what this “cheat” is - more for your own amusement, rather than benefit.

Steven

PS If you have any other questions or want some more specific advice on how to dress for a particular club, drop me a line at stevenjmcconnell@gmail.com and I’ll be happy to answer.

Tagged: attraction institute, bars and clubs, inner game